p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
