I murdered the dance floor call the cops
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
