you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
