please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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