Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
