apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
