I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
