I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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