I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
