not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
