So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize