I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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