I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
