I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
