Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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