if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
