my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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