Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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