we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
