Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she told me i tasted like america
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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