Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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