i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He felt like a one man threesome
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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