Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
