i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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