I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize