I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
