he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize