I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
