i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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