Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize