I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
