rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
