I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
