so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize