This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
