You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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