Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
