the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I can't put those talents on a resume
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
