I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
