I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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