why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
vagina is talking i cant
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize