look no pants
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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