My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
