Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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