just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
