I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
