Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I wish there were birth control emojis
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
