Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
