when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
