just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
