omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
