He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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