I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
