Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
