You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
