That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
