Who did Billy Mays play for?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
