just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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