Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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