dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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