Plan B is the new Plan A
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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