why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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