I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
