I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
