she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
