So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
