My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
