Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize