So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
