Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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