We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
