It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
