so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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